Funny Religious Stories

Since I have never been able to retell a humorous story (I always screw up the punch line), I relied on Google for the following pieces — with adaptations so as not to be offensive!

• Preachers dying wish

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

• Redneck Church

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.

• The two Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on like this, he finally concluded, “But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT.”

• RESULTS

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’

The guy replies, ‘I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.’

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.’

St.  Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

‘Just a minute,’ says the minister. ‘That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?’

‘Up here, we work by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.’

• Church sign

“How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?”

• His first wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

• Morning people

“Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world – there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning…

• Church Bulletin Announcements

Martha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Martha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.-prayer and medication to follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.